My Heart Cry

This time last year, I had gotten back from the AOII new member retreat. I was struggling, but I didn't want anyone to know. After all, I had only been at college for a week, and I didn't know many people. After such a hard summer, I felt lonely, forgotten, and unloved. I didn't think I could ever trust anyone again, and I believed that thought wholeheartedly. I didn't try to get out of my comfort zone or try to talk to anyone.

I had bought into the lies that Satan was telling me. I believed I wasn't worth it. I believed I would never be enough. I believed I was completely unlovable.

Don't get me wrong, I knew that I had a few friends at home, but I just believed I would never live up to the expectations around me. I couldn't shake those thoughts.

That's when I turned to the One I knew would love me when I felt unlovable, who would accept me when I felt lonely, who would remember me when I was forgotten, who would comfort me when I tried to run away, and who I knew I could trust: God.

I flipped my Bible open to the back, and I found a lot of my own notes in the few blank pages there. I had written a list of positive and negative femininity traits, a list of verses about identity, and a saying that speaks to how to combat your thoughts.

I was reminded of how I am supposed to live my life for God alone and that only He can satisfy me. He will always accept me and love me for who I am, not for the facade I put on for others.

Fast forward a year. 

I've found INCREDIBLE friends. I could dedicate a whole post to each of them and how they've challenged me, encouraged me, and shaped me into who I am.

I've found a home. I no longer feel like I don't belong. I fit in and have found my place.

However, I honestly still struggle with not feeling good enough.

I know the Lord covers me in grace and that I can rest in who I am in Christ, but my heart longs to feel accepted by others.

It's something I wish I didn't worry about. I wish I didn't struggle with the desire to be someone who I am not in order to get attention from people and feel like I have succeeded.

I'm working on it, though.

My incredible friends talked with me a couple of nights ago about this and how they want to see change in me and want to see me through that change. They were so caring and genuine and I got to open up with the reasons why I am so afraid to show people who I really am and how afraid I am of getting hurt again. I got to share with them my struggles and my deepest fears. They wanted to help me, not hurt me, and I felt so covered in grace and understanding.

That's the journey I am now on: truly resting in my identity in Christ and not trying to find satisfaction from other people's approval of me. Truly believing what the Bible says about who I am in Christ and letting that be my solid rock to stand on when I don't feel like I live up to the expectations around me.

I'm learning how to be unapologetically who I am and not trying to put on different masks to fit in better with each group I'm with.

Now, why do I share this?
It's my heart cry at the moment.

That's why I started this blog in the first place. I started it to share my heart cry and what the Lord was teaching me. I've sort of wandered from that. Yes, I've posted things the Lord was doing in my life and how I have grown, but I haven't been raw and honest on here in a long time.

I want those reading this who feel like they aren't good enough or can't live up to the expectations around them to know they're not alone. Join me on this journey! There's so much truth in the Word that we can cling to and rest in so that we can be CONFIDENT that we are His and He will ALWAYS accept us, flaws and all. He gives grace upon grace.

At camp, one of my devo families' son would always pray for us and say "Thank you, God, that even when we have messed up and feel so far away, You still call us Your masterpiece". How true is that? Even though we feel like He could never love us again, we are HIS masterpiece.

Praise the Lord that He is not done growing me at 19 years old!