Hallelujah
As I sit here, the Friday before finals week, I can't help but reflect on this semester and all that has gone on.
It's been a pretty rough semester, to say the least. However, in all the times that I felt like I was alone, the Lord had a plan working.
If you know me, you know I like control. A lot. I like to be in control of my situations, my surroundings, and my entire life. The fun part is, I'm not in control. I can't be. The Lord is in control of my life. However, I still try to run around and control a lot of my life and the people in my life without trusting that the Lord can do it.
Now, how silly is that? God is pretty trustworthy. He knows my life completely. He knows why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I don't need to explain my motivations for anything with Him, He knows. He created the world, and yet I can't trust Him with my life? He extends so much grace upon us and gives us the ability to be with Him, yet I can't let Him have control? Seriously, why not?
I think it is honestly a fear of letting go of control. If I have control over every little detail of my life, nothing should pop up unexpectedly. If I don't have control, I am constantly worried about what may happen. But, this semester, that came crashing down. By controlling every little detail of my life, I wasn't allowing God to even have a slight say in my life. I was content with going about my day, having spent some time in the Word and praying, and then letting my faith go back on the shelf. About three months ago, however, I realized that is not a way to live life.
Through a lot of hard times and times that I thought nobody even began to care for me, the Lord did many things, two of which I'll share with you.
First, the Lord gave me a true, deep friendship in someone totally unexpected. Seriously, I didn't really like this person at all last year and we randomly decided to pray together during our college ministry 24 hour prayer event. From the moment she came into my room to pray that day, our friendship began. She has been there for me through it all and never fails to point me back to Christ. I know her whole story, her biggest fears, and her deepest secrets, and she knows mine; all while only knowing her for a few short months. She is one of the best friends I have ever had, and she loves me fully, flaws and all. I was so confused as to why the Lord had brought her into my life, but I wasn't complaining.
Second, the Lord gave me a newfound desire for Him. Coming back from camp and into the real world, so to speak, was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Going from a group of believers who all had the same mindset, to serve as Christ served, love as Christ loved, and to know Him more, to be thrown into a group of college students who didn't exactly have that mindset made me lose who I was for a little bit of time. I had to really cling to Him in order to find my worth. I was so confused when basically everything that was comfortable for me was ripped right out from underneath me. I didn't know who I could turn to, who I could trust, or what steps I needed to take to put my life back together.
Isaiah 55:9 says "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts". God is speaking in this and is reminding us that His plans are SO MUCH higher than we could ever dream of. I've known this verse my whole life, but it never really struck me until this semester. I had to really trust that the Lord had a much greater plan for me. It was not easy, in the slightest, but I learned how to let go. I learned that because His ways are so much higher, I should trust them with all that is within me. I need to let go of the desire to be in control that has overtaken my life and let the Lord live through me.
After all, Galatians 2:20 says "I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me". This was the theme verse this summer at camp, and it made my summer completely about the Lord and not about me at all. It was overwhelming to live that way at camp, and I struggled to get to the place where I could let the Lord live completely through me in my everyday life back home and at school. I have to remind myself daily that it is no longer I.
Senior year of high school, I got an incredible opportunity to help lead worship at my church through the student worship team, Elevate. We would dive into the music and learn notes, rhythms, and, most importantly, the meaning behind each song.
Something that has stuck with me through this past year is the meaning of "Hallelujah". It means unrestrained praise.
Unrestrained.
Dictionary defined as "uncontrolled, not restrained, not constrained". I was overcome thinking of all the songs that include the word "hallelujah". Each time that word came up in a song, I pretty much sang it the opposite of unrestrained. I would worry about if I was singing it on the right pitch, loud enough, but soft enough, etc. However, realizing that hallelujah meant unrestrained made me release control when I would worship. I would worship the Lord freely and without care of what was happening around me.
Such a beautiful picture of this was my dear friend from camp. She would worship the Lord and sometimes erupt into giggles because of her joy in Him. It was the most beautiful thing to me. She didn't care about anything or anyone around her, and she just went humbly before the Lord to offer her praise. Something about that has just stuck out to me since this summer, and it brings a smile to my face to even think about the complete abandon in her worship.
So, as hard as this semester has been, I've let go. I've given the reins completely to the Lord because His ways are higher and it is no longer I who live. I don't want to be in control anymore...it was hard to keep up with everything, I was struggling to hold everything together, and it all ultimately failed because I'm human. Because of the dear friend who seemed to randomly come into my life, the Lord has given me a forever friend who is always going to point me to Him. She is always going to rejoice in my successes and mourn in my failures. She and I have both been on a rocky road this semester and having each other to lean on and talk with has proven to be so so sweet.
As hard as it is for a control freak like myself to let it go, it's also been incredible. I haven't felt overwhelmed with life, overtaken with stress, or overall exhausted. The Lord has taken control from me and it's cool to watch what He is doing and where He is taking me.
Spring semester 2016, here I come.
It's been a pretty rough semester, to say the least. However, in all the times that I felt like I was alone, the Lord had a plan working.
If you know me, you know I like control. A lot. I like to be in control of my situations, my surroundings, and my entire life. The fun part is, I'm not in control. I can't be. The Lord is in control of my life. However, I still try to run around and control a lot of my life and the people in my life without trusting that the Lord can do it.
Now, how silly is that? God is pretty trustworthy. He knows my life completely. He knows why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I don't need to explain my motivations for anything with Him, He knows. He created the world, and yet I can't trust Him with my life? He extends so much grace upon us and gives us the ability to be with Him, yet I can't let Him have control? Seriously, why not?
I think it is honestly a fear of letting go of control. If I have control over every little detail of my life, nothing should pop up unexpectedly. If I don't have control, I am constantly worried about what may happen. But, this semester, that came crashing down. By controlling every little detail of my life, I wasn't allowing God to even have a slight say in my life. I was content with going about my day, having spent some time in the Word and praying, and then letting my faith go back on the shelf. About three months ago, however, I realized that is not a way to live life.
Through a lot of hard times and times that I thought nobody even began to care for me, the Lord did many things, two of which I'll share with you.
First, the Lord gave me a true, deep friendship in someone totally unexpected. Seriously, I didn't really like this person at all last year and we randomly decided to pray together during our college ministry 24 hour prayer event. From the moment she came into my room to pray that day, our friendship began. She has been there for me through it all and never fails to point me back to Christ. I know her whole story, her biggest fears, and her deepest secrets, and she knows mine; all while only knowing her for a few short months. She is one of the best friends I have ever had, and she loves me fully, flaws and all. I was so confused as to why the Lord had brought her into my life, but I wasn't complaining.
Second, the Lord gave me a newfound desire for Him. Coming back from camp and into the real world, so to speak, was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Going from a group of believers who all had the same mindset, to serve as Christ served, love as Christ loved, and to know Him more, to be thrown into a group of college students who didn't exactly have that mindset made me lose who I was for a little bit of time. I had to really cling to Him in order to find my worth. I was so confused when basically everything that was comfortable for me was ripped right out from underneath me. I didn't know who I could turn to, who I could trust, or what steps I needed to take to put my life back together.
Isaiah 55:9 says "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts". God is speaking in this and is reminding us that His plans are SO MUCH higher than we could ever dream of. I've known this verse my whole life, but it never really struck me until this semester. I had to really trust that the Lord had a much greater plan for me. It was not easy, in the slightest, but I learned how to let go. I learned that because His ways are so much higher, I should trust them with all that is within me. I need to let go of the desire to be in control that has overtaken my life and let the Lord live through me.
After all, Galatians 2:20 says "I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me". This was the theme verse this summer at camp, and it made my summer completely about the Lord and not about me at all. It was overwhelming to live that way at camp, and I struggled to get to the place where I could let the Lord live completely through me in my everyday life back home and at school. I have to remind myself daily that it is no longer I.
Senior year of high school, I got an incredible opportunity to help lead worship at my church through the student worship team, Elevate. We would dive into the music and learn notes, rhythms, and, most importantly, the meaning behind each song.
Something that has stuck with me through this past year is the meaning of "Hallelujah". It means unrestrained praise.
Unrestrained.
Dictionary defined as "uncontrolled, not restrained, not constrained". I was overcome thinking of all the songs that include the word "hallelujah". Each time that word came up in a song, I pretty much sang it the opposite of unrestrained. I would worry about if I was singing it on the right pitch, loud enough, but soft enough, etc. However, realizing that hallelujah meant unrestrained made me release control when I would worship. I would worship the Lord freely and without care of what was happening around me.
Such a beautiful picture of this was my dear friend from camp. She would worship the Lord and sometimes erupt into giggles because of her joy in Him. It was the most beautiful thing to me. She didn't care about anything or anyone around her, and she just went humbly before the Lord to offer her praise. Something about that has just stuck out to me since this summer, and it brings a smile to my face to even think about the complete abandon in her worship.
So, as hard as this semester has been, I've let go. I've given the reins completely to the Lord because His ways are higher and it is no longer I who live. I don't want to be in control anymore...it was hard to keep up with everything, I was struggling to hold everything together, and it all ultimately failed because I'm human. Because of the dear friend who seemed to randomly come into my life, the Lord has given me a forever friend who is always going to point me to Him. She is always going to rejoice in my successes and mourn in my failures. She and I have both been on a rocky road this semester and having each other to lean on and talk with has proven to be so so sweet.
As hard as it is for a control freak like myself to let it go, it's also been incredible. I haven't felt overwhelmed with life, overtaken with stress, or overall exhausted. The Lord has taken control from me and it's cool to watch what He is doing and where He is taking me.
Spring semester 2016, here I come.
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