Gaining New Perspective
Before I really dive in to this blog, I want you to know that this comes from the purest of heart. This is not a blog that is just going to be an update. This is not a blog to brag on anything other than how great, faithful, and sovereign the Lord is and how He has changed me. This is not an easy blog for me to write, AT ALL. Please know that writing this has been on my heart for months and the Lord has finally brought me to a place where I can share what He has done in my life with abandon, rather than fears. But, there are still tears being shed while typing these words. It is nowhere near easy for me to write this.
Cool. So moving on...
As I said in my last blog, last semester was rough. That's really the only word I can use to describe it. Despite going into details, the Lord ripped everything familiar away from me. He left me in a state that I had to turn to Him, because there was nobody and nothing else around me. In that state, I learned a lot about myself, where I've failed, and where I long to be.
With that being said, I want to share a lot that I learned in this season, but there's a few backstories you need to be aware of.
1.) This summer, while working my ropes week at camp, our head ropes guy, Snowlaf, asked some pretty tough three questions that changed my life forever. Before that week, he had asked me what my name meant. So, I looked up what my name meant one weekend, and Caroline means joy. When he asked me again that week, I was able to answer, with more pride than I'd like to admit, "joy!". Second, he asked me what my biggest fear was. I looked at him and said "honestly, my biggest fear is vulnerability" (if you know me fully, you know how true this is). So then, he asked "How can you strengthen the body of Christ with your gifts and talents?". I told him that I loved to encourage people and get to know people's hearts, and that I knew that was something I could bring to the body of Christ.
2.) For Christmas, we took all of my dad's home videos that he had made and transferred them onto DVDs. So, Christmas day and beyond, we've been re-living old memories while watching these videos. Something that we all noticed was my personality as a child versus my personality now. When I was younger, I was quiet. I honestly didn't hear myself say anything on the videos (without prompting) until I was about 6. I just didn't enjoy the spotlight, I guess. I'm not really sure why.
So, with those stories in mind, let's jump in.
With the rough semester behind me, I decided to try to look into ways I could improve, grow, and move forward. I knew the Lord was calling me to be vulnerable, but I didn't want to. It scared me. It still scares me. That's why this blog is one of the scariest things I've ever done. But, I trust Him and His plan that is SO much higher than my plans. I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I'm vulnerable a lot and so I didn't understand what the Lord meant.
When we watched those videos, I was so struck with why I was so silent. I was typically in the background, and very much happy being invisible. It made me stop and wonder what happened.
Well, you see, I was hurt really badly in middle school. I felt betrayed by a lot of people and I immediately let a wall of protection build up around my heart. I didn't want to let anyone in, because the people that I had let in, left me, hurt me, and didn't give me an explanation. So, I let this wall build up.
And I think that's when I changed. I started to become louder and more obnoxious. I think I did it as a twisted means to keep people away from who I really was deep down. If I was constantly loud, making a fool of myself, and seeking attention, then I was keeping the attention off of my hurting heart, the struggles I was facing, and the sin in my life. I started to allow my life to be consumed by this facade. I didn't have any memory of a time that I was introverted, shy, or enjoyed being invisible.
So, I went to high school, hiding behind this wall. I didn't show a single person the real me. I never allowed people in. I had been hiding for five years at this point. I was perfectly content behind the wall for a while. But, on July 21, 2013, I wrote in my journal "Lord, take the masks. I give you control...Let the walls that hide my sin come down...I give you FULL permission to rattle my world." Y'all. That was my prayer leading into my senior year of high school. It's so weird for me to look back on this now and see how the Lord took that exact prayer and brought it into fruition two and a half years later.
Senior year of high school, my world began to crumble. I ended high school and walked away from graduation without speaking to a single person in my graduating class, and that fact has remained true to this day. Sure, if I see someone around Houston, I say hi and we have small talk, but that's only happened once or twice.
So, I went (and still go) to Auburn. Still behind the mask, the facade, and the wall. Not content there, but not knowing how to escape. I just hid. I couldn't be vulnerable, I was too afraid. I couldn't try to be who I was, because I had made friends who knew the facade and liked the facade and all because I didn't show them who I was.
Fast forward to this summer when Snowlaf asked me those questions. After I answered them all and thought I was done, he looked at me and said "Now, Caroline, how can your name be joy, how can you love to encourage people and get to know their hearts, and still be afraid of being vulnerable? That doesn't make sense. You have to be vulnerable in order to truly get to know others in order to encourage them and to let the joy of the Lord overflow from you." Cool. Thanks Snow for rocking my world. (Fun fact: I told him over Christmas break about how this conversation changed my life, and he didn't even remember it at first. It was something so natural to him and didn't seem any different from how he lives everyday life. But, yet, it changed my heart, perspective, and life.)
From there, I really started to wrestle with the idea of vulnerability. Vulnerability "is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are". I was nowhere near being open to injury. I wanted to stay as far away as possible from injury. Thus, the wall.
After my conversations with Snowlaf, I journaled a five page entry on June 12, 2015 about a lot of my fears. I wrote "I've found it easier to close myself off to people and only show them parts of who I am: the parts I like", "if I let someone in and they can truly see my heart, I open myself up to being hurt. My whole life I've been hurt by those I let in, so I'm scared", and "I find it extremely hard to trust anyone, you never know if/when they're going to turn on you".
What a crazy place to be at in life, right? Scared of being completely vulnerable, but knowing that's exactly what is needed.
So I started last semester trying to be vulnerable. Trying to live my life without the facade. Trying to not have a wall up. But that's the thing; I was trying. I didn't and don't need to try. I just needed to truly surrender it to the Lord. When I got hurt halfway through last semester, the wall went right back up, higher than ever. I was louder than I've ever been before. I was more obnoxious than I have ever been. All because I wanted to protect myself.
But then, the Lord gripped my heart. One of my dear friends, Abigail, was speaking at girls' Bible Study one Monday night. She told us there were three attitudes to God's will: ignoring it, disobeying it, or obeying it in humility. Further, she told us that obeying it in humility is typically the hardest, but it brings a deeper fellowship with God, the privilege of getting to know Him better, satisfaction in life, contentment, and JOY.
So knowing that I felt called to be vulnerable, I was hiding behind a wall, and that I couldn't be vulnerable with the wall up, I surrendered the wall to the Lord. I gave it to Him with open hands and asked Him to take it from me. To take the fears, expectations, anxiety, desires, reservations, everything from me. I didn't want to try. I wanted Him to control it. So, I gave it away.
AND Y'ALL. How stinking cool my life has been since then is UNREAL. The Lord is truly so, so good.
I've been able to completely drop that emotional wall. It hasn't been easy and I know it won't be easy in the future, but it's been so cool to see the deeper friendships I've been able to carve with the wall being completely gone. Just as Abigail had said, I've had deeper fellowship with God, I've had the privilege of knowing Him better, I've had satisfaction in life, I've had contentment, and I've had joy. True joy, not forced joy. Joy that allows me to tell others about how much I was hiding behind, but how the Lord has given so much grace, and has allowed me to live as I was created to be. Joy that allows me to look at the situations surrounding me with a new perspective, an eternal perspective.
I've found so much freedom living life without a wall. I can be quiet. I can be invisible. I can live a life that is reflective of His glory rather than my own facade of loudness. I can be who God made me to be. And I can do that all with so much joy and love for the Creator who made me that way. I can do it living in His grace and His strength.
I know this post is long, but it's been my heart cry for over a month now. It's been such a season of change. The past few years of my life have brought such a season of sadness and anger. Mostly because I wasn't allowing people in. I'm ready for a happy season, and I trust that is coming.
Living a life in freedom, full of abandon and worship, is the best feeling. I encourage you to take whatever it is you're gripping tightly to and give it to the Lord completely. Let Him have full control. See where He takes you. I'd love to see you grow in Him and discover Him deeper.
Cool. So moving on...
As I said in my last blog, last semester was rough. That's really the only word I can use to describe it. Despite going into details, the Lord ripped everything familiar away from me. He left me in a state that I had to turn to Him, because there was nobody and nothing else around me. In that state, I learned a lot about myself, where I've failed, and where I long to be.
With that being said, I want to share a lot that I learned in this season, but there's a few backstories you need to be aware of.
1.) This summer, while working my ropes week at camp, our head ropes guy, Snowlaf, asked some pretty tough three questions that changed my life forever. Before that week, he had asked me what my name meant. So, I looked up what my name meant one weekend, and Caroline means joy. When he asked me again that week, I was able to answer, with more pride than I'd like to admit, "joy!". Second, he asked me what my biggest fear was. I looked at him and said "honestly, my biggest fear is vulnerability" (if you know me fully, you know how true this is). So then, he asked "How can you strengthen the body of Christ with your gifts and talents?". I told him that I loved to encourage people and get to know people's hearts, and that I knew that was something I could bring to the body of Christ.
2.) For Christmas, we took all of my dad's home videos that he had made and transferred them onto DVDs. So, Christmas day and beyond, we've been re-living old memories while watching these videos. Something that we all noticed was my personality as a child versus my personality now. When I was younger, I was quiet. I honestly didn't hear myself say anything on the videos (without prompting) until I was about 6. I just didn't enjoy the spotlight, I guess. I'm not really sure why.
So, with those stories in mind, let's jump in.
With the rough semester behind me, I decided to try to look into ways I could improve, grow, and move forward. I knew the Lord was calling me to be vulnerable, but I didn't want to. It scared me. It still scares me. That's why this blog is one of the scariest things I've ever done. But, I trust Him and His plan that is SO much higher than my plans. I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I'm vulnerable a lot and so I didn't understand what the Lord meant.
When we watched those videos, I was so struck with why I was so silent. I was typically in the background, and very much happy being invisible. It made me stop and wonder what happened.
Well, you see, I was hurt really badly in middle school. I felt betrayed by a lot of people and I immediately let a wall of protection build up around my heart. I didn't want to let anyone in, because the people that I had let in, left me, hurt me, and didn't give me an explanation. So, I let this wall build up.
And I think that's when I changed. I started to become louder and more obnoxious. I think I did it as a twisted means to keep people away from who I really was deep down. If I was constantly loud, making a fool of myself, and seeking attention, then I was keeping the attention off of my hurting heart, the struggles I was facing, and the sin in my life. I started to allow my life to be consumed by this facade. I didn't have any memory of a time that I was introverted, shy, or enjoyed being invisible.
So, I went to high school, hiding behind this wall. I didn't show a single person the real me. I never allowed people in. I had been hiding for five years at this point. I was perfectly content behind the wall for a while. But, on July 21, 2013, I wrote in my journal "Lord, take the masks. I give you control...Let the walls that hide my sin come down...I give you FULL permission to rattle my world." Y'all. That was my prayer leading into my senior year of high school. It's so weird for me to look back on this now and see how the Lord took that exact prayer and brought it into fruition two and a half years later.
Senior year of high school, my world began to crumble. I ended high school and walked away from graduation without speaking to a single person in my graduating class, and that fact has remained true to this day. Sure, if I see someone around Houston, I say hi and we have small talk, but that's only happened once or twice.
So, I went (and still go) to Auburn. Still behind the mask, the facade, and the wall. Not content there, but not knowing how to escape. I just hid. I couldn't be vulnerable, I was too afraid. I couldn't try to be who I was, because I had made friends who knew the facade and liked the facade and all because I didn't show them who I was.
Fast forward to this summer when Snowlaf asked me those questions. After I answered them all and thought I was done, he looked at me and said "Now, Caroline, how can your name be joy, how can you love to encourage people and get to know their hearts, and still be afraid of being vulnerable? That doesn't make sense. You have to be vulnerable in order to truly get to know others in order to encourage them and to let the joy of the Lord overflow from you." Cool. Thanks Snow for rocking my world. (Fun fact: I told him over Christmas break about how this conversation changed my life, and he didn't even remember it at first. It was something so natural to him and didn't seem any different from how he lives everyday life. But, yet, it changed my heart, perspective, and life.)
From there, I really started to wrestle with the idea of vulnerability. Vulnerability "is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are". I was nowhere near being open to injury. I wanted to stay as far away as possible from injury. Thus, the wall.
After my conversations with Snowlaf, I journaled a five page entry on June 12, 2015 about a lot of my fears. I wrote "I've found it easier to close myself off to people and only show them parts of who I am: the parts I like", "if I let someone in and they can truly see my heart, I open myself up to being hurt. My whole life I've been hurt by those I let in, so I'm scared", and "I find it extremely hard to trust anyone, you never know if/when they're going to turn on you".
What a crazy place to be at in life, right? Scared of being completely vulnerable, but knowing that's exactly what is needed.
So I started last semester trying to be vulnerable. Trying to live my life without the facade. Trying to not have a wall up. But that's the thing; I was trying. I didn't and don't need to try. I just needed to truly surrender it to the Lord. When I got hurt halfway through last semester, the wall went right back up, higher than ever. I was louder than I've ever been before. I was more obnoxious than I have ever been. All because I wanted to protect myself.
But then, the Lord gripped my heart. One of my dear friends, Abigail, was speaking at girls' Bible Study one Monday night. She told us there were three attitudes to God's will: ignoring it, disobeying it, or obeying it in humility. Further, she told us that obeying it in humility is typically the hardest, but it brings a deeper fellowship with God, the privilege of getting to know Him better, satisfaction in life, contentment, and JOY.
So knowing that I felt called to be vulnerable, I was hiding behind a wall, and that I couldn't be vulnerable with the wall up, I surrendered the wall to the Lord. I gave it to Him with open hands and asked Him to take it from me. To take the fears, expectations, anxiety, desires, reservations, everything from me. I didn't want to try. I wanted Him to control it. So, I gave it away.
AND Y'ALL. How stinking cool my life has been since then is UNREAL. The Lord is truly so, so good.
I've been able to completely drop that emotional wall. It hasn't been easy and I know it won't be easy in the future, but it's been so cool to see the deeper friendships I've been able to carve with the wall being completely gone. Just as Abigail had said, I've had deeper fellowship with God, I've had the privilege of knowing Him better, I've had satisfaction in life, I've had contentment, and I've had joy. True joy, not forced joy. Joy that allows me to tell others about how much I was hiding behind, but how the Lord has given so much grace, and has allowed me to live as I was created to be. Joy that allows me to look at the situations surrounding me with a new perspective, an eternal perspective.
I've found so much freedom living life without a wall. I can be quiet. I can be invisible. I can live a life that is reflective of His glory rather than my own facade of loudness. I can be who God made me to be. And I can do that all with so much joy and love for the Creator who made me that way. I can do it living in His grace and His strength.
I know this post is long, but it's been my heart cry for over a month now. It's been such a season of change. The past few years of my life have brought such a season of sadness and anger. Mostly because I wasn't allowing people in. I'm ready for a happy season, and I trust that is coming.
Living a life in freedom, full of abandon and worship, is the best feeling. I encourage you to take whatever it is you're gripping tightly to and give it to the Lord completely. Let Him have full control. See where He takes you. I'd love to see you grow in Him and discover Him deeper.
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