Let go my soul
I feel like, since camp, I've been standing in an ocean (follow me on this analogy). There's so much that needs to be processed from camp. I know it's coming. I can see the waves. However, I can only take them one wave at a time. Some lessons I'm realizing I learned push me further away from the water, but some keep me where I'm at. Some totally knock the wind out of my sails, and some are a no-brainer. While I'm in this ocean, I have class, a social life, and struggles back home that are all factors. Waves upon waves upon waves. Some waves push me further away from where I want to be. Some don't phase me. Some knock the breath out of me. And I don't realize what the waves do to me until they're already past me.
And all I can do it jump over, dive through, and face the waves.
Recently, it's been a true struggle to face each day. I don't know exactly why. It's been a struggle to wake up each morning, spend time in the Word, get out of bed, go to class, and even hang out with friends. I've felt like I've been going through the motions and my soul longs for more, but I can't bring myself to be invested.
That is, until Sunday.
I'm not an emotional human in the slightest. I rarely cry, I don't let myself fall apart, and I make sure that nobody can really tell what's going on. I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't okay.
But, Sunday, I fell apart. I only told one of my dear friends that I had cried that day, and they ended up sparking a spiral of thoughts in me.
Why had I let all of the emotions I was feeling bottle up inside of me before I just had to fall apart in order to handle them? Simple, I didn't want to fall apart. I had to be put together for camp. I had to be put together for classes. I had to be put together for Auburn.
Why didn't I do anything to prevent the fact that I was going to fall apart, since I knew it was coming? Not so simple. I don't know. I didn't want to deal with it. I needed to be put together.
My senior year of high school, the dance company I was in did a dance to "Come On My Soul" by Rend Collective. The whole dance started with us each walking in our own little circles, having little eruptions of dance for four counts, and then falling right back into walking in our circles. We, then did a burst all together, did our own dance in slow motion, and then exploded into dance for a full four minutes.
Now, why do I tell you this? Basically, because I finally get it. Here I am, almost three years later, and I get the meaning behind the dance. I felt like my soul was in that circle. I was walking my little circle, and longed for something, but it just wasn't happening. The whole dance was us longing to be out of our little circles, and begging our souls to come awake and experience life and get out of the rut so that we could be closer to our Father.
The dance ended with us standing on the tips of our toes and reaching heavenward.
That's where I'm at now.
The past four days since falling apart have been rough. The past four weeks since getting home from camp have been rough. The past four months since leaving for camp have been rough.
But, all I can do now is reach for my Heavenly Father. He will never leave me nor forsake me and for that, I am grateful. He is always by my side, ready to fight for me. I just need to be still (Exodus 14:14)
Be still? You know you're talking to Caroline Taylor, right? I'm not still. I don't stop moving. I can't be still.
But I have to.
And I have for the past four days. I've let myself sit in His presence. I haven't spoken, I've just sat, listened, and responded.
I listened to "It is Well" by Bethel on Monday, and it's on repeat now. The bridge says "Let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name".
Um, what?!?
What did I compare my life to at the very beginning of this post? An OCEAN. The struggles and thoughts and craziness is all WAVES. I've been comparing my life to that since being back at school this semester.
Now, I don't know what Bethel meant by these lyrics originally. But, to me, they simply mean that I have to let go, because even the crazy things that are thrown at us know that He is in control. I need to recognize that, submit myself to His will completely, and let go of control.
"Let go of control" has been written in my planner under the Weekly Goals. I set my top three goals for the week, and "let go of control" has been written there each week since getting back from camp.
Going back to those original questions that this person sparked in my mind...I didn't want to let go of the control I had. I didn't want to show emotion because I wouldn't be in control anymore. But, I don't want that. Since birth, crying has been a sign that you're alive. I don't want to bottle it all up anymore. I, also, don't want to be an emotional wreck all the time.
So, I'm letting go. I can't hold on to the control anymore. I can't try to keep myself together. I'll let the One who knows me better than myself hold me together. He's got this. I want to check the box (literally) where I wrote "let go of control" as my goal. I don't need to be put together. I need to be spending time with the One who knit me together. Further, I'm a fallen human, and so there's no possible way that I'm going to be put together. I need Him to put the pieces together, and I still am only complete with Jesus.
The waves and wind still know His name.
And all I can do it jump over, dive through, and face the waves.
Recently, it's been a true struggle to face each day. I don't know exactly why. It's been a struggle to wake up each morning, spend time in the Word, get out of bed, go to class, and even hang out with friends. I've felt like I've been going through the motions and my soul longs for more, but I can't bring myself to be invested.
That is, until Sunday.
I'm not an emotional human in the slightest. I rarely cry, I don't let myself fall apart, and I make sure that nobody can really tell what's going on. I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't okay.
But, Sunday, I fell apart. I only told one of my dear friends that I had cried that day, and they ended up sparking a spiral of thoughts in me.
Why had I let all of the emotions I was feeling bottle up inside of me before I just had to fall apart in order to handle them? Simple, I didn't want to fall apart. I had to be put together for camp. I had to be put together for classes. I had to be put together for Auburn.
Why didn't I do anything to prevent the fact that I was going to fall apart, since I knew it was coming? Not so simple. I don't know. I didn't want to deal with it. I needed to be put together.
My senior year of high school, the dance company I was in did a dance to "Come On My Soul" by Rend Collective. The whole dance started with us each walking in our own little circles, having little eruptions of dance for four counts, and then falling right back into walking in our circles. We, then did a burst all together, did our own dance in slow motion, and then exploded into dance for a full four minutes.
Now, why do I tell you this? Basically, because I finally get it. Here I am, almost three years later, and I get the meaning behind the dance. I felt like my soul was in that circle. I was walking my little circle, and longed for something, but it just wasn't happening. The whole dance was us longing to be out of our little circles, and begging our souls to come awake and experience life and get out of the rut so that we could be closer to our Father.
The dance ended with us standing on the tips of our toes and reaching heavenward.
That's where I'm at now.
The past four days since falling apart have been rough. The past four weeks since getting home from camp have been rough. The past four months since leaving for camp have been rough.
But, all I can do now is reach for my Heavenly Father. He will never leave me nor forsake me and for that, I am grateful. He is always by my side, ready to fight for me. I just need to be still (Exodus 14:14)
Be still? You know you're talking to Caroline Taylor, right? I'm not still. I don't stop moving. I can't be still.
But I have to.
And I have for the past four days. I've let myself sit in His presence. I haven't spoken, I've just sat, listened, and responded.
I listened to "It is Well" by Bethel on Monday, and it's on repeat now. The bridge says "Let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name".
Um, what?!?
What did I compare my life to at the very beginning of this post? An OCEAN. The struggles and thoughts and craziness is all WAVES. I've been comparing my life to that since being back at school this semester.
Now, I don't know what Bethel meant by these lyrics originally. But, to me, they simply mean that I have to let go, because even the crazy things that are thrown at us know that He is in control. I need to recognize that, submit myself to His will completely, and let go of control.
"Let go of control" has been written in my planner under the Weekly Goals. I set my top three goals for the week, and "let go of control" has been written there each week since getting back from camp.
Going back to those original questions that this person sparked in my mind...I didn't want to let go of the control I had. I didn't want to show emotion because I wouldn't be in control anymore. But, I don't want that. Since birth, crying has been a sign that you're alive. I don't want to bottle it all up anymore. I, also, don't want to be an emotional wreck all the time.
So, I'm letting go. I can't hold on to the control anymore. I can't try to keep myself together. I'll let the One who knows me better than myself hold me together. He's got this. I want to check the box (literally) where I wrote "let go of control" as my goal. I don't need to be put together. I need to be spending time with the One who knit me together. Further, I'm a fallen human, and so there's no possible way that I'm going to be put together. I need Him to put the pieces together, and I still am only complete with Jesus.
The waves and wind still know His name.
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