peace.
At the start of each year, I choose a word that I want to be the theme of my year. I write it down in my journal and then journal all of the reasons why I chose that word, finishing it off with a one sentence prayer for the year.
For 2020, I chose the word "peace". For those who know my heart, I struggle to be at peace most days. I am constantly thinking through everything that could happen and am always aware of the situations around me. That was the reason I chose the word; I wanted to grow.
My one sentence prayer for the year was "that I can truly experience His peace daily, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and walk in confidence toward the things that terrify me most".
I fully expected this prayer to be answered with new circumstances like friendships, clarity in my calling to ministry, and more.
But it was answered differently.
In early January, I found myself struggling with unbearable vertigo and migraines. Assuming I needed an anti-vertigo or migraine medication, I made an appointment with our family doctor. Rather than a prescription, I left that appointment with an imaging order to get an MRI of my head before we made any further decisions.
A day after the MRI, I got an email that the images were uploaded. When I pulled them up to see, fully expecting to see normalcy, I saw a green arrow pointing to a small white bubble on my brain. It was terrifying. The next day, I was sent to get another MRI with contrast in order to see it more clearly. My doctor called the following day saying she wasn't concerned, but felt like I should follow up with a neurosurgeon.
The day of that appointment, my mom, my dad, and I walked in together (prior to COVID-19). A medical student came in and explained that he believed that we would watch the spot for a little bit before making any quick decisions. This explanation was what we all believed and understood prior to the appointment. However, the neurosurgeon (Dr. Kim) saw things very differently. He explained that the spot was a tumor, most likely not a big deal, but in his opinion it needed to be removed as soon as possible.
Now, my parents were shocked. Understandably so, but from that moment, God's peace sustained me. I didn't feel struck by surprise. I listened to him explain the process and our next steps and thanked him for letting us know.
I had yet another MRI, and a week later Dr. Kim called with the results. The tumor was small, but it needed to be removed to prevent seizures, growth, or inoperability. He was cautiously optimistic that it was a benign, nonrecurring tumor, but he wanted out as soon as possible. When we hung up, we prayed as a family that it would be one of the benign tumors he had described and that we would be able to glorify the Lord in it all.
My surgery date was set, and within days, we began the quarantine due to COVID-19. A week before my scheduled surgery, I got a call that the date was postponed due to COVID-19 and they would call back as soon as a new date could be set. At this time was when visitors were completely banned from the hospital, so we began to face the reality that I would face a night in the ICU and two days in the hospital without any family allowed to be with me. I'd be alone.
And still, I had peace. By God's grace alone, I continued to move forward with very little concern. Somehow, I was completely prepared to spend my three days in the hospital alone.
Then the call came about two weeks before my new surgery date - the new surgery date was given AND the hospital visitor policy would now allow one visitor from 9 AM - 8 PM. Thankfully, my mom was able to be there each day.
We arrived at the hospital and I was nervous. I was upset that my dad couldn't be there to sit with my mom and support her while I was in the operating room. I was upset that I was having to undergo major surgery. However, I still trusted the Lord completely, knowing that His plan was still good.
Laying in the pre-op bed with a hospital gown on and my first IV in, it all became very real to me. I began to cry out of fear and anxiety. As tears were rolling down my face (and my mom's!), we both began to pray silently. The anesthesiologist came in, began to roll me down the hallway to the operating room, added fluids to my IV, and that's all I remember.
Hours later, I woke up in recovery extremely confused. The remainder of my hospital stay is a complete blur. I remember spending the first night in the recovery area and eventually getting to ICU. I remember being told to walk down the hallway to my regular room, getting an MRI at some point, and a few random moments over the remaining day and a half I had in the hospital. But that's all I remember of my time there.
What I found out later is that Dr, Kim had a conversation with my mom after the removal of the tumor in which he explained that it wasn't what he thought. He had to send it off to pathology, but he was convinced it contained cells that were pre-cancerous. Worse, he feared that he wasn't able to remove the whole tumor. He believed my future held a second surgery and that I would walk through chemo and radiation.
Dr. Kim called the day after I got home and said the MRI showed that he had removed all of the tumor (praise the Lord!) Given my confusion and pain, plus the unknown pathology, my parents slowly revealed the possibility of more treatments if the results showed it wasn't benign. Through this time, my family loved me, supported me, encouraged me, played games with me, fed me, stayed up with me, and prayed for me constantly.
The best day of all was when my 37 stitches and 1 staple were removed twelve days after surgery. Not only did this help relieve the pressure in my head, but it also was the day we received the pathology report. The report showed that the tumor was a DNET. DNETs are rare brain tumors that make up 1% of all brain tumors. They are benign and nonrecurring. They don't cause any further issues. I will have appointments this year for follow up, in addition to appointments spread out over the next couple of years just to double check that everything is going well.
Recovery has been such a roller coaster. From not being able to eat or talk or hold my own head up to now working full time from home and being able to drive, the Lord has sustained me. Sure, I fumble over words and I've forgotten a few things, but those are so small in comparison to what could've happened. There have been days that are better than others, but that does not mean that God has changed. He is immutable, incapable of change.
Through the entire month and a half of recovery, He has proven Himself to be faithful. We had so many friends praying specifically that the tumor was a DNET. We had so many people drop off meals, flowers, letters, cookies, and more. We had so many people checking in and continuing to pray. We are so thankful for all of you who have prayed for us. We couldn't have done this without you!
As much as I would have never liked to walk through this, I look at what I asked of the Lord on January 1, 2020; "that I can truly experience His peace daily, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and walk in confidence toward the things that terrify me most". Seeing how He answered that in a totally unexpected way is overwhelming. All of the things I knew about God I have gotten to solidify in my life. I know that He is the Great Physician. I know that He is the Healer. I know the He is merciful. I know that He does all things for our good and His glory. And now I can point to this in order to show myself and others the proof of who He is.
As much as I don't understand the reasons behind why I had this diagnosis and surgery, I know that it's for my good. His peace has surpassed all understanding. I look at the ways He has strengthened my faith, my parents' faith, and my friends' faith. I look at how He taught me what it looks like to cling to Him when everything else is falling apart. I look at how He's allowed this crazy season to be a part of my story. Which leads me to wanting to share my story to give Him glory.
Ultimately, He sustained me. He sustained my parents. He answered our prayers in ways we could've never imagined. He has strengthened me physically, mentally, and spiritually. He has proven His character to me. He deserves every single ounce of glory. Even if things wouldn't have gone the way we hoped and prayed for, He still would deserve every ounce of glory.
God is good. He is worthy of all praise.
For 2020, I chose the word "peace". For those who know my heart, I struggle to be at peace most days. I am constantly thinking through everything that could happen and am always aware of the situations around me. That was the reason I chose the word; I wanted to grow.
My one sentence prayer for the year was "that I can truly experience His peace daily, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and walk in confidence toward the things that terrify me most".
I fully expected this prayer to be answered with new circumstances like friendships, clarity in my calling to ministry, and more.
But it was answered differently.
In early January, I found myself struggling with unbearable vertigo and migraines. Assuming I needed an anti-vertigo or migraine medication, I made an appointment with our family doctor. Rather than a prescription, I left that appointment with an imaging order to get an MRI of my head before we made any further decisions.
A day after the MRI, I got an email that the images were uploaded. When I pulled them up to see, fully expecting to see normalcy, I saw a green arrow pointing to a small white bubble on my brain. It was terrifying. The next day, I was sent to get another MRI with contrast in order to see it more clearly. My doctor called the following day saying she wasn't concerned, but felt like I should follow up with a neurosurgeon.
The day of that appointment, my mom, my dad, and I walked in together (prior to COVID-19). A medical student came in and explained that he believed that we would watch the spot for a little bit before making any quick decisions. This explanation was what we all believed and understood prior to the appointment. However, the neurosurgeon (Dr. Kim) saw things very differently. He explained that the spot was a tumor, most likely not a big deal, but in his opinion it needed to be removed as soon as possible.
Now, my parents were shocked. Understandably so, but from that moment, God's peace sustained me. I didn't feel struck by surprise. I listened to him explain the process and our next steps and thanked him for letting us know.
I had yet another MRI, and a week later Dr. Kim called with the results. The tumor was small, but it needed to be removed to prevent seizures, growth, or inoperability. He was cautiously optimistic that it was a benign, nonrecurring tumor, but he wanted out as soon as possible. When we hung up, we prayed as a family that it would be one of the benign tumors he had described and that we would be able to glorify the Lord in it all.
My surgery date was set, and within days, we began the quarantine due to COVID-19. A week before my scheduled surgery, I got a call that the date was postponed due to COVID-19 and they would call back as soon as a new date could be set. At this time was when visitors were completely banned from the hospital, so we began to face the reality that I would face a night in the ICU and two days in the hospital without any family allowed to be with me. I'd be alone.
And still, I had peace. By God's grace alone, I continued to move forward with very little concern. Somehow, I was completely prepared to spend my three days in the hospital alone.
Then the call came about two weeks before my new surgery date - the new surgery date was given AND the hospital visitor policy would now allow one visitor from 9 AM - 8 PM. Thankfully, my mom was able to be there each day.
We arrived at the hospital and I was nervous. I was upset that my dad couldn't be there to sit with my mom and support her while I was in the operating room. I was upset that I was having to undergo major surgery. However, I still trusted the Lord completely, knowing that His plan was still good.
Laying in the pre-op bed with a hospital gown on and my first IV in, it all became very real to me. I began to cry out of fear and anxiety. As tears were rolling down my face (and my mom's!), we both began to pray silently. The anesthesiologist came in, began to roll me down the hallway to the operating room, added fluids to my IV, and that's all I remember.
Hours later, I woke up in recovery extremely confused. The remainder of my hospital stay is a complete blur. I remember spending the first night in the recovery area and eventually getting to ICU. I remember being told to walk down the hallway to my regular room, getting an MRI at some point, and a few random moments over the remaining day and a half I had in the hospital. But that's all I remember of my time there.
What I found out later is that Dr, Kim had a conversation with my mom after the removal of the tumor in which he explained that it wasn't what he thought. He had to send it off to pathology, but he was convinced it contained cells that were pre-cancerous. Worse, he feared that he wasn't able to remove the whole tumor. He believed my future held a second surgery and that I would walk through chemo and radiation.
Dr. Kim called the day after I got home and said the MRI showed that he had removed all of the tumor (praise the Lord!) Given my confusion and pain, plus the unknown pathology, my parents slowly revealed the possibility of more treatments if the results showed it wasn't benign. Through this time, my family loved me, supported me, encouraged me, played games with me, fed me, stayed up with me, and prayed for me constantly.
The best day of all was when my 37 stitches and 1 staple were removed twelve days after surgery. Not only did this help relieve the pressure in my head, but it also was the day we received the pathology report. The report showed that the tumor was a DNET. DNETs are rare brain tumors that make up 1% of all brain tumors. They are benign and nonrecurring. They don't cause any further issues. I will have appointments this year for follow up, in addition to appointments spread out over the next couple of years just to double check that everything is going well.
Recovery has been such a roller coaster. From not being able to eat or talk or hold my own head up to now working full time from home and being able to drive, the Lord has sustained me. Sure, I fumble over words and I've forgotten a few things, but those are so small in comparison to what could've happened. There have been days that are better than others, but that does not mean that God has changed. He is immutable, incapable of change.
Through the entire month and a half of recovery, He has proven Himself to be faithful. We had so many friends praying specifically that the tumor was a DNET. We had so many people drop off meals, flowers, letters, cookies, and more. We had so many people checking in and continuing to pray. We are so thankful for all of you who have prayed for us. We couldn't have done this without you!
As much as I would have never liked to walk through this, I look at what I asked of the Lord on January 1, 2020; "that I can truly experience His peace daily, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and walk in confidence toward the things that terrify me most". Seeing how He answered that in a totally unexpected way is overwhelming. All of the things I knew about God I have gotten to solidify in my life. I know that He is the Great Physician. I know that He is the Healer. I know the He is merciful. I know that He does all things for our good and His glory. And now I can point to this in order to show myself and others the proof of who He is.
As much as I don't understand the reasons behind why I had this diagnosis and surgery, I know that it's for my good. His peace has surpassed all understanding. I look at the ways He has strengthened my faith, my parents' faith, and my friends' faith. I look at how He taught me what it looks like to cling to Him when everything else is falling apart. I look at how He's allowed this crazy season to be a part of my story. Which leads me to wanting to share my story to give Him glory.
Ultimately, He sustained me. He sustained my parents. He answered our prayers in ways we could've never imagined. He has strengthened me physically, mentally, and spiritually. He has proven His character to me. He deserves every single ounce of glory. Even if things wouldn't have gone the way we hoped and prayed for, He still would deserve every ounce of glory.
God is good. He is worthy of all praise.
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